I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.