She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
our love story in four pictures
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?