“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay