Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Candles never taste the way they smell
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Life cycle of cat
just make the entire table out of coaster
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!