The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.