God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold