Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’m sorry…what?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My love language is deader than Latin
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.