Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha