Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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When a shoelace touches your ankle
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.