This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.