What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
get you a girl who
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
being a writer on Twitter:
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.