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[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Every haunted house movie:
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”