[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
this has done me in for some reason
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.