Put a ring on it
You Might Also Like
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀