Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money