ATMs should have breathalyzers
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.