I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.