Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Oh my god
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.