Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I have so many questions.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Shower sex be like:
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.