DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no