“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.