me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
asked my bf how work was today
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.