Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
More like Kate Missington.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!