Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.