He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My Plans 2020
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.