At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.