no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.