Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Coffee is ready.
“Why you watching this shit?”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Animal poetry
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
(more comics:
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.