Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]