sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
choose your fighter
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]