I’d … I’d rather not.
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jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*