Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back