If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Um … Hot Wings please
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
WWE is French for “yes”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
The news
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.