I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps