Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Wikigenius
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit