My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
You Might Also Like
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.