If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box