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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am