Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You Might Also Like
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
God has abandoned us.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”