almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ready to be harvested
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
This forever.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts