I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
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#inspiration #foodforthought
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy