GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail