vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.