[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Friends that check up on you >
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.