This fish is cracking me up
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.