Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
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thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.