airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years