My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.