listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
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My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur