I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
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reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
scrabbled eggs
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.